No Validation needed here

It’s been a few month now that I have been able to walk, move, and even dance without pain.  Without being uncomfortable, without asking Spirit why.  I can even now wear those shirts I like without the sleeves. Revealing my shoulders that only the Gods could give. It feel good, being on the other end of it.  I ask myself, how the hell did I make it??!! How did I?  I now can understand a cancer survivor’s journey, or a person who was in a terrible accident and had to learn to walk again. Although what I went through may not have been as bad as those, some may say, to me, it nearly killed me. When you have to talk yourself out of why you should not take your life, I say, it was the worst thing I have ever been through.  See, my laid back, chill, peaceful persona makes you believe that it wasn’t that bad.  Well what you don’t know is, I am a survivor of many things. I have been trained since my youth to fight through it and never give up, and at all times keep the peace.  Trust, if it were opposite I wouldn’t be here now.  So what am I saying about all this, I am saying what I went through was pure hell, and I am actually glad it happened. Sometimes I’m not glad I had to cut my hair, however I understand.  I understand I needed to reset my life. I needed to reset who I was, whose I am, and now I am ready for life! I am ready to conquer, I am ready to live and not merely just walk around wasting space.

I no longer desire to please people. Yeah, I said it. I have been a people pleaser my whole life!!! It’s time I please myself. It’s time I kiss myself, thank myself, hell make love to myself if I could. The point is to start with me. Love me. How in the hell can I be a light for others if I’m not a light for myself?? When you are a people pleaser you don’t love yourself enough.  You go around wanting approval and validation, when the crazy thing is you can never get the proper validation unless you give it to yourself. Only you know your true self. Other people cannot validate you. How can they when they don’t truly know you, your soul?? Now there are some who a part of your soul group but that’s another blog.  What I am saying is you only know you, people just know what you choose to tell them or show them. (unless they have special gifts which I wont go into) You know your inner voice, cries, fears, wants, needs.  Only you can validate you and there is no need to please anyone.  I am learning when you start with you, the right ones will automatically be please anyways.  In all honesty, pleasing someone shouldn’t matter. If someone is not please then that is an issue that they are dealing with themselves. It has nothing to do with you. I also learned that the hard way.

I am starting with me from now on. In this process some so called friends will fall away, which they already have, and some new friendships will form. Starting with me will create a whole different life for me. A love of truth. A life of light. A life of abundance. A life period….

The shift……

Like I say at the end of my poem the shift,

“I now have arrived from not knowing anything, to knowing all things, this shift I am in.”

-Patrice (MysticBlu)

Start with me

I feel as if I’ve lost my life. I say this because this dis-ease has caused me to miss out on things in life.  I can’t be around people to long or else I will get uncomfortable, itch, burn, etc. I can’t even be alone in peace because of the same thing.  Everything I know to do I have done. Nothing has worked. It’s like I’m healing but for some reason it just won’t heal completely.  I know there is something I am suppose to let go of but I have no clue what it is.  I’ve been stripped of things that matter to me. They say everything happens in three’s. Well one, my blue guitar shatter in pieces never to be played again, two I got sick and I still have symptoms after 4 months, and three my relationship of 2 1/2 years ended.  I understand there is a shift happening. I get it. I’ve accepted it. I made peace with the loss. I’m ready to move on to bigger and better things. What I don’t understand is why my body won’t completely heal. Why do I still burn, and itch? What am I not doing correctly to heal myself?  What thoughts am I having?

I do find myself saying “I hate myself” when I’m having an attack. Then I realize I’m just upset because of the way I feel.  But wait a minute, do I really hate myself?  Is this the reason why I am suffering so?  The root cause for any skin problems is depression and negative thoughts. Depression is defined as anger turned within. I admit, I suffered with depression my whole life. Been diagnosed and put on meds.   I was suicidal as a teen and attempted suicide twice. SInce I became ill in January I have had thoughts of ending it at least more than 5 times. Why am I saying this? I really don’t know. I guess it will come out as I continue to type.  I know I don’t want sympathy. What I want is healing. I know I have won the battle of depression, or at least I think so.

I realize I say I hate myself when my skin flares up because it reminds me of my teenage years. When I had eczema so bad that everyone, at school and home talked about me. I mean made me feel sooo bad. I actually started believing those words because I had physical evidence when I looked in the mirror.  I’m thinking this time is reminding that I never really dealt with those emotions, but just buried them.  Could that be it?  I feel I have already forgiven those bastards, I mean people who put me through that hell.(I still have my sense of humor) But my question to myself is, did I begin to love myself again?  As much as I want to say yes I did, the truth is no. So this pain I face is happening in order for me to love myself.  It’s kinda hard to love yourself when you’re going through!  I need to find beauty in the ashes. True love, loves when its ugly, dirty, uncomfortable. I need to learn true love. And it always starts with yourself first.

 

 

Teach me how to fly

Today I don’t see the glass half full or half empty. I don’t really see a glass at all.  My water has been dumped in the oceans of life. My water which I thought had run dry just overflowed into the deep.

I say this because I realized now that I am full. Full of what life has offered me. Full of what I had received, full of what I have done full of what I still need to do. I AM FULL. My cocoon can no longer hold me. It starting to stink with decay for I have sat to long. I Am decaying. I’ve been decaying and was okay with it.  But now, now I can no longer hide behind my scars. There is no rest for me there. For now my scars tell the story of the shit I kept in. Of the fear I kept in. Of the hate I kept in! My scars tell a story. They’ve always told a story. They’ve been my storyteller my whole life.

Its time for me to tell my story. For me to live my story. For me to rise up out of this damn cocoon and fly!  Fly! I am meant to fly! Not crawl around picking from leaf to leaf. That season is over now. That life time is over now.  The eagles call me home. Fly like an eagle…..home. I get out of the cocoon dust myself off, look at the old rotted cocoon and thank it for its place.  Turn around, look at the sky and say okay angels teach me how to fly, I’m ready!

Go Within in 2012!

In 2012 we need to stop listening to what people around us are saying.  This is the year of inner conversation and downloads.  What’s happening within us?

Our answers are within us.

People may have good intentions when they tell us things or suggest things, but they do not know our destiny and what is truly our path in life. They will not help us this year.

We must go within for that.

Take what people say and then go within to compare. Pay attention to what we feel and how our body responds to what they may have said or suggested. We will know right away if it coincides with our spirit based on how we feel!

We need to trust that if it doesn’t feel right then it is not right for us. Stop trying to justify or make it “fit” in our lives because some person of “so called status” told us.

No matter how wise a person is or what position in society a person has, we need to check what was said with the truth inside of us.

Buddha said, “Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.”    

Trust that we know ourselves well enough to hear our own voice within. When its not true to us, its not true for us.

No one should convince us otherwise. Now don’t get confused that we may think something is true for us based on what our mind tells us….. The “truth” comes from our spirit.

This year the opportunity to be what we want will appear to us. If we want fame, the opportunity will come. If we want riches, it will come, if we want travel it will come, etc etc.

What we don’t know is the cost it will take to get those things. We just know that we want something. It doesn’t mean that what we want is good for us. Or what I’m saying is, how we get it is good for us. We need to check our intention.  Why do we want those things? We must go deep within. Inner child work. We may want some things because it makes us feel more powerful or accepted,  because as a child or even as adults, we felt like the opposite. What will happen is that we will learn that some of these things are not good for us,and in fact are deadly.  They’re not good for us or should I say for our highest good because of the “reason” we want them.  The only way to figure that out is by going within. And  if we want them because of deep hurt we never dealt with, to hide a fear or insecurity, it is not for our highest good.

When we check every “opportunity” presented with our spirit within, we will find if its for our highest good or not.  We may not know why or get full details about the situation, but we will know whether or not to proceed.

Now if we don’t check with spirit, we can be blinded and lead by what may seem like an opportunity, but really is a situation created by our fear and insecurities.  This will eventually lead us down a road that compromises our true being.

The point is in every situation check with Spirit! Check within! Don’t just be persuaded by the promises!  

Checking within or with your spirit is more simple than you realize. You don’t have to create a space with music or candles and sit in a lotus position with certain hand gestures and mantras and mediation stuff.  Although they are all wonderful ways to connect, its not necessary.

All you have to do is quiet yourself within. Just get quiet and focus on your inner being. Ask yourself “Is this certain situation for my highest good? Or does this person, place or situation serve me?” Or even, why do I want this to happen or take place or not take place? Where is this coming from?”

And then pay attention to how your body responds. Your body doesn’t lie. You know when your body gives you a feeling you don’t like.  You know when something doesn’t feel right.

What we don’t know or get confuse about are answers that come from our mind. Or from a hurt place within.  When we get past those thoughts and really zone in we can then know what spiritual responses feel like.  It takes practice, continuous conversation. For the first time it is perfectly sane to talk to yourself. Please talk to yourself all the time! I personally have always thought it was just fine to talk to yourself, because yourself is also angles, guides, Jesus, Buddha, God….. but that’s a whole other conversation.

Its natural for us to connect with spirit and receive answers. Why? Not because some religious figure gave us anything or enlightened us in anyway. Nothing against them. I honor them all. But we can naturally connect and receive answers from spirit because we are spiritual beings ourselves.  Learn to not only trust those responses but follow them.  Also as you get quiet and go within, learn to hear that inner still voice that guides you as well.

Know that you are a spiritual being and can hear spirit and what you hear is for your highest good. Its your truth.

You body and spirit has no choice but to honor you by answering you when you ask.  The problem is, we don’t ask.  We just jump into things because it appears good for us or like an opportunity without even checking to see for sure.

And then we find ourselves in situations we don’t want to be in, or that don’t work out and we go into victim mode, and blame the world about how unfair it is, and say bad things always happen to us, and we even feel we are stupid and can’t hear our intuition or inner voice. But what we fail to understand is, if we don’t ask or continue to go within or exercise our intuition, everything of that nature gets quieter and quieter.

Its like having a friend you talk to all the time and commune with and they respond and talk to you more and more and at times contact you first.

But if you slowly stop calling or talking to them even in return, eventually that person wont really deal with you anymore until they hear from you again.  And it may take some time to build the relationship you once had.

Your intuition is there. Your spirit is there. But so is free will.  If you don’t ask them, and even follow them as truth, its only in their nature to remain dormant.

You seeking and trusting them as truth activates their power and creates opportunity for your highest good.

-Patrice http://www.discoveryourcreativevoice.com