I feel as if I’ve lost my life. I say this because this dis-ease has caused me to miss out on things in life. I can’t be around people to long or else I will get uncomfortable, itch, burn, etc. I can’t even be alone in peace because of the same thing. Everything I know to do I have done. Nothing has worked. It’s like I’m healing but for some reason it just won’t heal completely. I know there is something I am suppose to let go of but I have no clue what it is. I’ve been stripped of things that matter to me. They say everything happens in three’s. Well one, my blue guitar shatter in pieces never to be played again, two I got sick and I still have symptoms after 4 months, and three my relationship of 2 1/2 years ended. I understand there is a shift happening. I get it. I’ve accepted it. I made peace with the loss. I’m ready to move on to bigger and better things. What I don’t understand is why my body won’t completely heal. Why do I still burn, and itch? What am I not doing correctly to heal myself? What thoughts am I having?
I do find myself saying “I hate myself” when I’m having an attack. Then I realize I’m just upset because of the way I feel. But wait a minute, do I really hate myself? Is this the reason why I am suffering so? The root cause for any skin problems is depression and negative thoughts. Depression is defined as anger turned within. I admit, I suffered with depression my whole life. Been diagnosed and put on meds. I was suicidal as a teen and attempted suicide twice. SInce I became ill in January I have had thoughts of ending it at least more than 5 times. Why am I saying this? I really don’t know. I guess it will come out as I continue to type. I know I don’t want sympathy. What I want is healing. I know I have won the battle of depression, or at least I think so.
I realize I say I hate myself when my skin flares up because it reminds me of my teenage years. When I had eczema so bad that everyone, at school and home talked about me. I mean made me feel sooo bad. I actually started believing those words because I had physical evidence when I looked in the mirror. I’m thinking this time is reminding that I never really dealt with those emotions, but just buried them. Could that be it? I feel I have already forgiven those bastards, I mean people who put me through that hell.(I still have my sense of humor) But my question to myself is, did I begin to love myself again? As much as I want to say yes I did, the truth is no. So this pain I face is happening in order for me to love myself. It’s kinda hard to love yourself when you’re going through! I need to find beauty in the ashes. True love, loves when its ugly, dirty, uncomfortable. I need to learn true love. And it always starts with yourself first.